First of all, to whoever had to put up with my whining, bitching, and poetry out of the ordinary, please pardon my abnormal behavior. My midlife crisis comes about chopped in itty bitty pieces which pop up and rape me at random instances. Mooooving on...
Insecurity in a billion aspects.
Ever get that feeling of inferiority? That feeling of rejection as you look upon whoever made it in that race against time? Fuck the cliches, I'm serious. Once again, the whole concept of how unfair life is rises from the dead. I thought I buried that nonsensical idea along with all those repressed childhood memories. Oh welly, here we go down nightmare-y lane.
Something snapped inside of me. Being cooped up at home for this long has finally taken its toll on me, I guess. I've had a few hellish experiences and instances which I'm quite sure have contributed to the proverbial "snapping". Also, certain people (a few peeps, and an entire SPECIE) have been privileged enough to be in my line of sight. I just hate it when people impair my vision.
After that Eli Roth-worthy English exam I took yesterday (yes, I'm still on that futile excuse for a JOB HUNT), I came up with this conclusion that my brain is slowly deteriorating. I haven't been myself lately. Committing the slightest of errors on fool-proof situations, forgetting what the hell I was supposed to do after planning to do it ten seconds ago, delusions, and to epitomize it all, this English exam which brought me to my knees. Never has the English language beaten me up enough for me to piss my pants in fear of unemployment. Despite everyone's reassurance, I have a gut feeling that I won't be receiving that phone call.
As much as I indulge in self-pity, I despise admitting my weakness. However, its too late for pride now. I guess I'm just inadequate.
I look back on anything positive. It's no picnic when your heart is scraping your insides wanting to get out and kill something. Bitterness and Jealousy have been true homies. Those two have let me into their casa many a time, and during my stay there, I grew fond of their second cousin, Anger. However, Anger moved out a while after, leaving the two behind. I guess good ole B and J are here to stay. I suppose many would agree, sou desu ka? I'm being as vague as possible. Work with me here.
There, I said it. I hate admitting I'm weak, and I hate it more when I get owned in the face.
I know that a blog isn't the most appropriate place for this, but God help me that I take a pen and write all this down in horrid penmanship further pissing myself off, therefore defeating this whole point of venting what popped my chest like a nuke.
Sorry for hiding my humanity for so long. I just don't wanna sound like...never mind.
Chenkuy.
